Dear All,

You may have read a few months ago about the astronaut in Florida who drove hundreds of miles in a nappy just to assault her ex-boyfriend. Many of you have expressed concern that this sort of obsessive behaviour might be prevalent amongst astronauts. Some of you have even gone so far as to suggest that the desire to strap yourself into a small capsule on top of many tonnes of high explosives before lighting them to catapult you into isolation outside the atmosphere of the planet on which you live might be indicative of a slightly unbalanced state of mind.

Well, if wanting poo-free trousers is mad, then I'm mad too!

On a long journey a nappy is the perfect answers to any question which ends with 'faeces'. Is it mad or just sensible to make elaborate preparations for a cross-continental assault journey? Is it mad to want a lover back? Is it mad to send them poems written in your own blood?

Is it?

Is it mad to keep your loved one's dead skin cells in a jar? Is it mad to hit yourself in the face with a steam iron, repeatedly screaming the word 'Stupid!'? Is it mad to cry over 'Cash In The Attic'?

According to my psychiatrist, it is.


Barnaby Bottomley


Excellent! It's a brand new pubcast.

What will Professor Colander be talking about today? There's only one way to find out.

Sort of.


Given that half term is rapidly approaching, we here in the corporate section would like to offer you the following tips on keeping your children amused:

Buy them a Playstation 3.
Sticks from nearby woodland can be used to build a treehouse. If you really want your child playing with a toy which hasn't been subjected to strict quality and safety guidelines.
Send them to our new nursery where they will learn essential skills, like footwear manufacture, how to do really small stitches and how to make many of the toys they love so much.


Dear Professor Colander,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?


Reginald Spoot

Dear Reginald,

Those aren't birds, those are my wife!

Seriously, though, one of them may be my wife. After a horrific gardening accident almost twenty years ago, my poor wife, Gwladys, was turned into a crow.

When I say 'was turned into a crow' I should add 'by me' although I should also add 'in the interests of science.' And the experiment worked. Had it not, the technology behind Pop-Tarts could never have been developed.

Since then I carry birdseed wherever I go, in the hopes of enticing her back to our house, so that we can have sex again.

How do I feel about my wife being turned into a crow?

Raven mad.


Professor Colander


There once was a woman from Saturn
With a bum so large it could flatten
A car with its size,
A dog with her thighs
Or the whole of Northampton, the slattern!

(There. Told you I was over her.)

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18.05.07 : Flight Director Bottomley

Dear Linsee,

You will be the first candidate we\'ll consider once we get ready for a manned mission to Mars.
For the time being, we shall stick to our trusted robots.
By the way, please don\'t mention Uranus to Professor Colander, he has other things to attend to, like colonizing Mars, and Uranus is one thing that really throws him off the rails. He needs at least twelve pints of real ale to calm him down, tax payers money that is.


Barnaby Bottomley

16.05.07 : Linsee Doil

Dear Professor Colander,

I wrote a Haiku, will it get me onto your space program? I want to visit Mars and I wouldn't mind a quick peek at Uranus while I'm there.

Give me a job dude;
My flying skills are da bomb;
I know where you live.


Mr Linsee Doil

04.05.07 : Bumflap McCrapper

Re: Ask the professor

Dear Reginald Spoot,
What a futile question? Can\'t we concentrate on Uranus?


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