Martian
17.04.07
MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Dear All,

I'm a man of many hobbies. I'm a hobbyist. It keeps my mind out of
the dark cupboards of the soul. Stamp collecting, that's a good one.
Stamp collecting, walking on the fells, and popular music. Oh yes, I
like popular music.

I believe that it was Mr Midge Ure who first said: This means nothing
to me. Oh, Vienna! And who knew then how right he would turn out to
be?

And who can forget Paul McCartney's imprecation, that, If this
ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry,
live and let die... I'm doing just that. I'm letting all those seal
cubs die, Paul, so there! Band on the run? You will be! When I'm
king, you will be...

That song, of course, was covered by Axl Rose, whose name is an
anagram of Oxl Arse. Guns N Roses new album is expected out later
this year, and I for one, cannot imagine that, after 13 years in
production, it will be anything less than spectacular.

Yes, music is balm for the soul, it stops us worrying about things we
can't change: our cosmic insignificance, the fact that we're alone in
the solar system, what we're going to do to Patrick Moore when we get
our hands on him...

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
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WHAT'S NEW(ISH)?
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Mission Penetrator breaks through furthering interplanetary
relations. Exclusive uncensored footage if you haven't seen it yet...

Go on.

See?

Told you.
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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

It saddens me that there has been so little concentration on my
favourite planet, Uranus. You're always going on about Mars, as if
it's something special, just because it's tilted at 28 degrees and
has an almost-breathable atmosphere. Let's face facts, it's nothing
compared to Uranus.

So, here are a few questions: what can we expect to find on Uranus?
Is Uranus big enough to contain intelligent life? Why do you always
neglect Uranus?

Yours,

Bumflap McCrapper
---
Dear Bumflap,

I know what you're doing. I know your game. Very funny. Ha ha. You're
a comic genius, a veritable Russ Abbott, Dick Emery or David Walliams.

I've heard more Uranus jokes than you've had hot dinners. In fact,
I'd go so far as to say that someone has inserted Uranus into almost
every hot dinner I've had. I can't walk down the street without
having -Uranus! - hurled at me by youths and old people and the
middle-aged.

Oh yes, we all love a good laugh at Uranus, but after thirty or forty
years of having to stare at Uranus day after day, it all gets a little
boring.

Quite honestly, Bumflap, I hope I never have to think about Uranus
ever again.

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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Space.

The Final Frontier.
Left ear, right ear, and final front ear.
That's how many ears Mr Spock has.

In the old
Joke.

Ha
Ha
Ha.

In Space, no one can hear you tell jokes.
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